A Note On The World and the Kingdom
WORLD
secular, profane, raw material of life, pure nature, no memory or hope, anmnesia, unconscious, unreflective, darkness, relative, without content, the space/form of salvation history.
KINGDOM
sared, holy, ability to interpret events, memory/hope, anamnesis, light gives meaning, must enflesh itself into the life of the world, (Revelation, Law, Jesus, Immanuel) 18 May 77
Notes On A Homecoming
At The Time of My Dad's Retirement
I remember the time when my parents were proud of me, and the times they weren't ...
.... the times I was alone and the times I was befriended.
.... the time the school said that I would never make it, and the times teachers thought there just may be a chance.
..... the times I felt good about myself and the times I didn't,
..... the times I wished for an embrace, and the times I wanted to run away, the tiems I was misunderstood by myself and the times I was accepted by others.
Note: The past brings forth both limitedness and opportunity to the future. The open doors of the past, give promise to the future and the anamnesis of one's personal story grants wisdom as one struggles with momentary decisions. 24 February 78
Deism removes all theological data from the world, it is bankupt creation. Deism makes it easy for the atheist and agnostic, it announces that no miracles are to be expected and that the ground of being is a marshland, gone AWOL and all is meaningless. Creation ceases to be what it is and becomces the raw material with no significance unless man finally awakens to call it by some name. 12 May 79
How is man onep to the word? How is behavior and values transformed? How is any conversion really possible? HOw does faith grow up out of stale-response? How does God bring about salvation? How is revelation made manifest? When will the darkness give way to the divine light of God's grace?
What does it mean to be human?
Homo faber - the tool maker
Home Sapien - to comprehend knowledge, to seek wisdom
Homo ludens - to play, to transcend the need for survival
Homo negans - to say "no"
Homo esperans - hoping man
<Erich Fromm, The Revolution of Hope>
Yet when we move from the choir office to the eucharist it is as if we had suddenly moved form the audience to the stage. We are no longer standing afar and watching, we re now involved in the act ourselves. He is among us, he is within us. <Stephen Bayne, Enter With Joy> 14 May 79
The issue for Nicodemus, and what made him different/separate from the rest of the Pharisees, was whether or not being/reality supported him, or if he upheld being. Such a concern characterized him as spirit-born. He knwo the lack of his own being. Trinity Sunday, 10 June 79
The gas-crisis is a great leveler - the rich as well as the poor must wait in line. 23 June 79
I remember when I was a bell (bagage) boy for a motel during the summer of 1958. I am now reminded that the ministry is no different. I am still carrying someone elses' baggage! 23 June 79
Last Sunday, I went with dad to Douglas, Georgia. He was supply priest and preacher for Saint Andrew's Church. His sermon was entitled "Religion as a Subversive Activity" He reminded them of the Pope's visit to Latin America and Poland, the Revolution in Iran, the Life of the Black Church in the South, and told them that what they were engaged in that very moment was of no small consequence, but would have a reaching effect. If they hear what they were told, the would have realized that an Amos-type character stood before them who wanted to raise their consciousness above the ... moment of this age. 26 June 79
We live in the reality of the Fall, our yearning is toward creation. The movement from one question to another: (1) Why live the good life? (2) How do I participate in the promises of God? One never gets out of the Fallen-world on is own, no matter the seriousness of the quest. Only God can save us, coming to us form the other-reality (creation, kingdom). We can only change our orientation, move toward creation, move toward God. 8 September 79
A Note On The Creation and Fall
CREATION
out of nothing, imago Dei, initiative of the divine will, primacy of love, the Garden/Paradise, walk with God in the cool of the evening, Faith, the womb, prior to known world, inner direction, being.
FALL
throwness (J.P. Sartre), Stranger in a strange land, primacy of the ego, reward and punishment, success and failure, work-ethic, outer directed, doing. 8 September 79
The Parish, the ecclesial community, is the place where Kingdom-world and creation-fall live in tension, and where man become the recipient of the Spirit, and society is face with redemption. 12 September 79
The person is a task rather than a reality <I. Kant> 14 September 79
Ash Wednesday, 9 February 05
WORLD
secular, profane, raw material of life, pure nature, no memory or hope, anmnesia, unconscious, unreflective, darkness, relative, without content, the space/form of salvation history.
KINGDOM
sared, holy, ability to interpret events, memory/hope, anamnesis, light gives meaning, must enflesh itself into the life of the world, (Revelation, Law, Jesus, Immanuel) 18 May 77
Notes On A Homecoming
At The Time of My Dad's Retirement
I remember the time when my parents were proud of me, and the times they weren't ...
.... the times I was alone and the times I was befriended.
.... the time the school said that I would never make it, and the times teachers thought there just may be a chance.
..... the times I felt good about myself and the times I didn't,
..... the times I wished for an embrace, and the times I wanted to run away, the tiems I was misunderstood by myself and the times I was accepted by others.
Note: The past brings forth both limitedness and opportunity to the future. The open doors of the past, give promise to the future and the anamnesis of one's personal story grants wisdom as one struggles with momentary decisions. 24 February 78
Deism removes all theological data from the world, it is bankupt creation. Deism makes it easy for the atheist and agnostic, it announces that no miracles are to be expected and that the ground of being is a marshland, gone AWOL and all is meaningless. Creation ceases to be what it is and becomces the raw material with no significance unless man finally awakens to call it by some name. 12 May 79
How is man onep to the word? How is behavior and values transformed? How is any conversion really possible? HOw does faith grow up out of stale-response? How does God bring about salvation? How is revelation made manifest? When will the darkness give way to the divine light of God's grace?
What does it mean to be human?
Homo faber - the tool maker
Home Sapien - to comprehend knowledge, to seek wisdom
Homo ludens - to play, to transcend the need for survival
Homo negans - to say "no"
Homo esperans - hoping man
<Erich Fromm, The Revolution of Hope>
Yet when we move from the choir office to the eucharist it is as if we had suddenly moved form the audience to the stage. We are no longer standing afar and watching, we re now involved in the act ourselves. He is among us, he is within us. <Stephen Bayne, Enter With Joy> 14 May 79
The issue for Nicodemus, and what made him different/separate from the rest of the Pharisees, was whether or not being/reality supported him, or if he upheld being. Such a concern characterized him as spirit-born. He knwo the lack of his own being. Trinity Sunday, 10 June 79
The gas-crisis is a great leveler - the rich as well as the poor must wait in line. 23 June 79
I remember when I was a bell (bagage) boy for a motel during the summer of 1958. I am now reminded that the ministry is no different. I am still carrying someone elses' baggage! 23 June 79
Last Sunday, I went with dad to Douglas, Georgia. He was supply priest and preacher for Saint Andrew's Church. His sermon was entitled "Religion as a Subversive Activity" He reminded them of the Pope's visit to Latin America and Poland, the Revolution in Iran, the Life of the Black Church in the South, and told them that what they were engaged in that very moment was of no small consequence, but would have a reaching effect. If they hear what they were told, the would have realized that an Amos-type character stood before them who wanted to raise their consciousness above the ... moment of this age. 26 June 79
We live in the reality of the Fall, our yearning is toward creation. The movement from one question to another: (1) Why live the good life? (2) How do I participate in the promises of God? One never gets out of the Fallen-world on is own, no matter the seriousness of the quest. Only God can save us, coming to us form the other-reality (creation, kingdom). We can only change our orientation, move toward creation, move toward God. 8 September 79
A Note On The Creation and Fall
CREATION
out of nothing, imago Dei, initiative of the divine will, primacy of love, the Garden/Paradise, walk with God in the cool of the evening, Faith, the womb, prior to known world, inner direction, being.
FALL
throwness (J.P. Sartre), Stranger in a strange land, primacy of the ego, reward and punishment, success and failure, work-ethic, outer directed, doing. 8 September 79
The Parish, the ecclesial community, is the place where Kingdom-world and creation-fall live in tension, and where man become the recipient of the Spirit, and society is face with redemption. 12 September 79
The person is a task rather than a reality <I. Kant> 14 September 79
Ash Wednesday, 9 February 05
You are my hiding-place;
you preserve me from trouble; *
you surround me with shouts of deliverance.
(Psalm 32:8, Morning Office)
O Lord, within you I find my rest and peace. Thank you for this gracious season so that your grace will release me from those things that enslave my soul and prevent my body from delighting in your creation. Grant that this Lenten Journey may strengthen me in faith, hope, and love so that I may serve your people.
Sabbatical Retreat, Mount Saviour Monastery, Elmira, New York, 2000
Sabbatical Retreat, Mount Saviour Monastery, Elmira, New York, 2000
winged
and wild
surfing the
wind
falling
and rising
guided by some
invisible hand
the swallow
rested.
A Reflection of a Bird Watcher
while on Sabbatical, July 14, 2000
twisting
with passion
against her thigh
and placing hands
on hidden places
in darkness and esctasy
they climbed
the forbidden
tree in the garden
as they groped toward
a deeper knowledge of one another.
A Reflection ...
while on Sabbatical, July 14, 2000
how does life
play in theatres
when only
death embraces the
screen?
It was a great movie!
Untitled, July 14, 2000
openning
of the heart
is like the suns
carress on pedals
in early morning,
warming and drawing
forth the pollen
that awaits
the draw of breath
which only comes
from God.
Reflection on Prayer,
July 14, 2000
the atheist says
there is no God
the agnostic says
I don’t know ... maybe
the mystic says there
is no God and opens
his heart ...
Reflections on Prayer
July 14, 2000
is it possible to believe
what you can’t see?
is it possible to love
what you can’t hold?
is it possible to discover
in the very question
that answer
that escapes
the asking.
Untited, July 14, 2000
monk
in rob
and hood
stands over
kitchen
cutting
tables
and says
in tones
not conducive
to the ocassion:
I don’t give a shit.
Underheard in a Monastery
July 22, 2000
she remained
behind
tears in her
eyes
emptiness in her heart
it was all over
she couldn’t understand
what they could have done
with him.
the stone was heavy,
it would have taken a legion
of men to move it to the side.
she wandered aimlessly
and gradually heard a voice
why are you crying,
she heard it several times,
first she thought it was coming
from in front of her,
but no from behind
like some vague memory
suddenly she heard her
name,
M A R Y,
and she knew
as she had been known
that Jesus was with her.
July 22, On Her Day
Lenten Retreat, Abbey of Our Lady of the Holy Spirit 2002
March 11th
The departure from home was uneventful arriving at the monastery at about 1:05 p.m. I brought my belongings up into the guest house only to find that the main desk was closed until 2:30 p.m. I finally found one of the monks in the refrectory who suggested that I simply make myself comfortable and the guest master would be back by 2:30 p.m. I settled down in a chair, a little upset that no one was here to take care of my needs. A few retreatants passed through the lobby, and in a little while I heard this booming voice and it was Basil Pennington. He said to me that this just would not do, they had better start doing things better around here and he ran off to find someone, but unsuccessfully. I was amazed. There was a really nice man with him from Boston who is on the advisory board of the Monastery, he too thought it was amazing that the Abbott had run off to find some help. Finally, the guestmaster arrived. As I checked in, he told me that they were not expecting me at all. My name did not appear on any list. Oh, my! He said not to worry, certainly they will have room. At last, by almost 2:00 p.m., I settled into room 311.
After settling in I journeyed over to the book store and glanced at the many titles. There are are few that I probably will buy. The bookstore was very noisey. I don’t think I have ever heard such commotion before. Even the monk at the check out was yelling to some helpers in another room. I realized that this place represented the “world” to the monastery!
I then went for a little walk up to the entrance off of Route 212 and back. I could not help noting the jet streams in the air, they were everywhere. Two planes had crossed and had made a cross. A little later I caught a glimpse of leaves dancing up and down and around across the street and back again, it was amazing and beautifully ochestrated. I am now back in my room, it is a little past 4:00 p.m. I have poured a little sherry and entering this first glimpse of Holy Spirit into my journal. What this early beginning means, waits definition!
Following Vespers and Supper, I read a little bit, and found myself faced with my own “heaviness” - how do I become “light” - how do I move toward health in God? It is my desire, and yet there is that part of me that seeks to prevent me from ever becoming who I am.
July 18, 1999 Abbey of Our Lady of the Holy Spirit, Conyers, GA
I arrived at the Abbey of the Holy Spirit, Conyers, about 3:50 PM. As I entered the road to the retreat house I was greeted by six Canadian Geese in single file processing quietly toward the road. I settled into my room (310) and rested until vespers at 5:35 PM. Supper was served at 6:00 PM. I looked at the Archdiocesan Magazine in the Guest Library, shocked to learn that only a third of Roman Catholics believe in the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist, and attended Solemn Benediction and Compline at 8:00 PM. During Compline one of the brothers collapsed and was placed in a wheel chair by some of the other brothers and taken to the infirmary to be cared for. It was a real sign of mortality in the midst of the eternal as the Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament was taking place.
At vespers, the words from Psalm 2:
The Lord said to me, “You are my Son; this day have I begotten you.”
And from Philippians 1:
Some proclaim Christ from envy and rivalry, but others from good will. These proclaim Christ out of love, knowing that I have been put here for the defense of the gospel; the others proclaim Christ out of selfish ambition, not sincerely but intending to increase my suffering in my imprisonment. What does it matter? Just this, that Christ is proclaimed in every way, whether out of false motives or true; and in that I rejoice. (15-18)
I was reminded of the Parable of the Wheat and the Weeds this morning and how entwined all of us are embodying the good and the bad, life and death.
Lord,
renew my love,
my heart,
my mind, my strength,
my body, my faith, my spirit,
my joy.
renew me, Lord, come to me,
I desire with my whole heart to serve you
as a whole and healthy person, grant this, O Lord,
my Christ and my God.
July 19
Sleep late, until 7:45 AM. Went to bath, and locked the door behind me. Stood at my entrance way to my room for about 20 minutes in shirt and underwear waiting from someone to arrive on the third floor, no one did. I finally began knocking on doors, and finally found a good Samaritan down the hall who alerted the guest master, who then sent a woman-assistant to my room to open my door! It was a strange beginning.
I am beginning to get use to the silence. It is so peaceful. I feel as though I have stepped out into a sea of calm, and breathing the healing air ......
I have now poured myself a glass of sherry. It hasn’t been an active exploration into my spiritual depths, I have read and worried. I worried about the fact that I went to the toilet and discovered that it would not flush - the monks were working on the water line, first time in 55 years, I couldn’t flush for 5 hours! Wrote some cards to Ginny and Andrew, Teresa, and Cheri whose cancer has returned.
There is a craving for self-knowledge, and yet words, definitions, expressions are not adequate. It seems to me hidden within the mystery is God. One can't come to experience the depth of self without coming to a full realization of the expansive and comprehensive realm of God.
July 20
Rained last night. A little less humid today, but still very hot. Worked on September Trumpet, finished reading the Zacchaeus Project Report Report, thought more about the Ministry FAIRE in September and wrote draft letters to vestry and parish leaders. Over slept Lauds this morning. Mailed letter to Teresa, cards to Ginny, the Fowlers, and Cheri. Will view a film on Mepkin Abbey in South Carolina tonight (I think I have seen this film), met a R.C. priest from Philly who is sharing the area with me. Nice guy, but he pours on the cologne. Drank some sherry. If you are looking for something spiritual, nothing today. I will try a better schedule tomorrow! I pray for a good night sleep tonight. Not something I have yet to experience.
I was taken by the story of one of the monks at Mepkin Abbey as he told about the struggle that one who lives this life must go through - I have always known this, but at the same time, I had not heard it quite the way it was said this time. I run from struggle, I don’t want to fight with myself or with God, or with my wife, or with my congregation - I must begin to get ready for battle, to prepare myself for ‘real’ encounter, so that I will no longer live in isolation, but find myself in God’s world. I wonder what it would be like if I tried to eat only half of what is on my plate until I return home. Lord help me to give birth to myself, for your glory.
July 21
If the day was to be productive, then it was a bad day. Once again I overslept Vigils and Lauds/Mass, making it down for breakfast. Went to the Bookstore for two books, which I planned to charge, but the phones were down, so I will have to wait. (Ginny I am sure had something to do with this!) Went for a walk to the end of the monastic drive and back. I will plan to do that every day if it is not too hot. It was a good walk. Worked on some parish stuff. Read a little. Napped a bit. Spent some quiet time in the monastic church. Am now back in my room. It is about 8:35 PM.
As I enter the vestibule of myself, I am aware of a great wall which seems to keep me from knowing myself any further - it is though I am unable to be gracious to myself, to receive my own gifts. I have asked God for tears that I may open myself to his presence, and to be more attentive to those closest to me.
The silence is a great seducer drawing me further into the crevice of her sweetness. You begin to hear not only the depth of self and nature but the stirrings of new expressions. I long to be with her and to taste her fruit.
July 22 Mary Magdalene
Again over slept Vigils and Lauds/Mass! Rest is what I need! Continued with my reading. During breakfast I saw a woman with a copy of the BCP. I joked with her that such a book was not allowed in the monastery. Later she asked if we could talk. She was from Gainesville, Florida. She is very active in her Lutheran (ELCA) Church, but hungry for the sacraments. She asked me what the church’s position was on “revelations, prophecies, and vision.” To my knowledge there is no stance, so I listened and suggested that she read Dante and Merton. She seems a little too sure of her spiritual footing - but I will hold her in my prayers any way. We talked about her teaching Godly Play and her ‘shepherd program’ at her church. The parish is divided into ‘folds’ and each fold is overseen by the pastor and some lay leaders who help with communication, pastoral needs, etc. I was surprised that she (as a seventh grade reading teacher) was familiar with John of the Cross and Teresa of Avila. I introduced her to a few books in the Abbey Store, and felt a little bit like the devil as I sent her off with a small library of works.
One of the things I will remember about our conversation was the fact that we live in a ‘post-Christian’ age; and that our culture is no longer Christian. It dawned on me that is why I come to the monastery and why I wish to bring others to experience the cloister - to enter a Christian culture where one’s whole life is centered on Christ. We don’t find this in the church, our people are use to such ambiguity that they are not sure at all why they hunger.
“It is not easy to orient oneself intelligently in the turmoil of modern affairs about which the directives of the Church are general and must necessarily remain somewhat vague until they are put into action by energetic interpretation and leadership in concrete cases. Hence it is unfortunately all too true that countless Christians with all the good will in the world, find it almost impossible to get sufficient information and adequate directives to play a significant part in the great issues of the time ..... The practical social problems of our time are innumerable, and one who seeks to fulfill his obligations of conscience intis matter necessarily runs many risks. Nevertheless, the risks must be taken, and there is no virtue in inertia or in a despondent and passive “prudence: which refuses to move until the whole Church, from the Papal Curia on down, moves first.” Life and Holiness, 1963>
July 23
“Fill us with your gifts......” The Vesper prayer has rung throughout the week calling me to a deeper commitment and awareness of human goodness.
Very hot. Spent day, reading. Completed Charles Taylor, “Sources of the Self.” He says many find things which need to be mined and explored. And God saw that it was good. “Saw that it was good ... behold in the seeing comes the creating. This is the task of the Christian Church in our time. What would such an affirmation do to the issue of “homosexuality.” Christianity could be in the business of transforming peoples lives.
In Guest Library, saw man reading “Radical Optimism:” I wonder what that must be about. It sounds like Peale or Carnegie. It has an empty ring about it that causes all my pessimism to rise to the surface -- O holy rebellion!!
July 24
Talked with a young doctoral candidate from Baylor in World Religions. He is from India. His parents are Hindu. He received his M. Div. from Eastern Baptist Seminary in Philadelphia. He became a Christian through the Adventists and is presently a Mennonite. He is on a journey seeking God’s will either to marry or enter the Trappist way of life. He is 32 years of age. Very interesting young man - with a deep spirituality.
Shared in a Conference with Father Thomas Francis who soon will be celebrating is 49th year at Conyers. He shared his time with us in Kenya and in Nigeria where he taught monastic seminarians. He learned a great deal from the average communicant at mass - their deep involuntary poverty has stayed with him. He then shared with us the meaning of prayer and talked about our guardian angel as the one who leads us to contemplate the pure light and spirit of God. It was a good talk, and his comments on Contemplation were helpful. Perhaps the most important thing he said (for me) is that “We do what we value.” I realize how much time I waste and how much I need to disciple my life so that God’s love will be manifest in order that I may truly give and receive love. Help me, O Lord. Kyrie Eleison.
At Vespers: Drops of rain, violent lighting, thunder echoed through the monastic church like an antiphonal song; the choir monks were drowned out by the heavenly responses, lights dimmed, organ skipped notes, reflections of the lighting danced across the sanctuary lighting from within and out the LADY WINDOW. I found the loud, deep roar not only comforting, but wonderfully disturbing as it gave utterance to some of my deepest feelings - it was as though all that which prevents me from fully living my life was being wrenched out of me, my inner depths were being challenged by nature’s song, and God was truly in this place.
Compline has concluded, the sub abbot blessed the water of new life and then blessed the monks and the Retreatants. Quietly we went off to our rooms. Since mid afternoon I have felt such calm, as though a great weight has been lifted, or some worry removed, or something finally settled within me that has been stirring for a long time. I don’t know what it is, but my whole being is at peace. How long will this feeling stay with me. I know the valley awaits, and yet, well, I sense things will be different. I abide in you and you in me, there is only Thou!
July 25 Proper 12 Seventeenth Sunday in Ordinary Time
Arose about 7:20. Breakfast at 8:00 AM. Continued my reading of Avery Dulles, Models of the Church, spoke with some presbyterians here on retreat from Atlanta. The leading lay person, a Mrs. Parrish, reminded me so much of Sr. Elizabeth of Ancillia that I thought it could have been her sister. She asked if I would take a picture of their group before lunch. Went into the Monastic Church about 45 minutes prior to Mid-day Prayers and Eucharist. As the procession made its way through the choir stalls, I was humored by the fact that two monks were busily mopping the sanctuary near the altar. There must have been a leak! What was so amusing, is that to the outsider, one would think were were in such a spiritual place, where in fact they deal with the same facticity as all of us, which perhaps suggests that the spiritual is always embodied in the material. God’s grace is always found in the problems of life, if we only had eyes to see ....
The Abbot’s Crozer stands at his seat as a symbol of his care and oversight of his little flock, so the cross stands silently in the parish church reminding all who see it of the oversight and care of the Good Shepherd who laid his life down for his sheep.
I had planned to arise for VIGILS but failed due to difficulty in sleeping. I don’t know why I am so restless, or if the bed is uncomfortable, or if there are buried worries in the cerebral cavity, or what .... but again from all outward appearance there was something lacking about this retreat ... but it is beyond my control, simply to let God ....
At Vespers: The reading was from the Third Chapter of Philippians
At one time, I would have thought of all those people who stand against me, and what I, the grand EGO, desires -- and now I hear a prophecy about myself. I must beware of my own death instinct, that part of self in me that criticizes others, put others down, without examining my own heart. These words are gospel as I reach out and make them mine.
Prior to supper talked again with a Sister from Guatemala. She works in an AIDS Hospice there. She is here celebrating her 50th Anniversary as a nun. She talked of the poverty and yet the faith of the people in Central America. What an experience. I couldn’t help think of her own sanctify as one who gives herself to the dying. She is what the Gospel this morning spoke about ... a treasure hidden in a field for she has given light to those who live and die in darkness. If there is any thing to say about monasteries today, is that that they are, perhaps more than any other place, the cross ways of life, the place where people come seeking, yearning, anticipating and in the process praying, changing, transforming .....
At supper, woman walks in to kitchen to get her dinner tray, her tee shirt on front says “What’s” and on the back “Next!” Then a series of people arrive for dinner they are dressed in shorts - not allowed according to monastic rule! Then a young man, eats quietly by himself and when he finishes he proceeds to return his tray to the kitchen. As he left the dinning area, he had something under his shirt. It is amazing what you see going on when you are paying attention!!!
I loaded a few things in the car on Sunday evening. As I went down to the car, I was met by about 14 ducks/geese quacking and just having a grant old Sunday afternoon stroll. They stopped just a head of me to play with some children who had just arrived and to see if they could beg anything off of them. The world is truly God’s sacrament!
Went into church to discover that Compline and Solemn Benediction was about to begin (8:PM). It was difficult to concentrate. The woman next to me looked like Sara Kingsberry, but it wasn’t; and the old monk in the stall across from me, I know was going to fall - so I was watching out for him from a distance - knowing that if he had fallen - I could have done nothing - like an old priest on the Jericho road.
September 24, 1999
Rebecca Bailey, Linda and Neal Brunt, Carolyn and James Feralin, Connie Harralson, Lola and Jerry Thomas, along with Ginny and I arrived a little before Vespers (Psalter Week I) for a weekend parish retreat. After supper (dry tuna, tomatoes, boiled potatoes), we went down near the pond only to talk a little about the weekend ahead.
September 25, 1999, Saint Sergius of Moscow
Rose for Vigils. In the darkness of the church a monk was fast asleep on the front pew. Another monk had to arrouse him for Vigils. The lesson was from Ezekiel. The prophet spoke directly at man’s inability to turn away from idols are from those things which are injurous to himself. Through God’s compassion we have been spared. What is it within myself which keeps me from changing my life: is it sloth, pride, fear, insecurity, not believing, etc. John Chrysostom says we are “all riveted to our flesh, to our clay” unable to move, to change, to grow. I continue to pray for some inner and outer transformation. Yet I know that God will not help me, if this is something I alone must accomplish. I pray only for his continuing grace.
dark silence,
soft chant,
crickets sing,
psalms digested,
Ezekiel prophesied,
Aelred in love,
embraced by lectio,
hold fast to the Word.
Lenten Journal 1999
Ash Wednesday, February 17, 1999
You are my hiding-place;
you preserve me from trouble;*
you surround me with shouts of deliverance.
Psalm 32:8 Matins
The journey toward new life begins today. My life is so filled with broken intentionality. The past has been racked with attempts at lossing weight, of trying to become thin. I have done this by diet, by a medical fast, by exercizing. And each time I have been met with failure. It is though I am scared of the outcome, or fearful of the emptiness which fills my belly. And yet, I know you have called me to be your servant, you have sought me out and known me, and for me to be faithful to you, I must now surrender my whole self to you, in thought, word, and deed. The morning began with an apple and two pieces of plain toast. There is present a slight headache and a empty pain in my belly -- what is it, O Lord, is it hunger for food, or for your Will in my life? It is time for me to discern, to pray, and to seek you in all t hings.
March 5
Today we arrived at the Abbey about five o’clock. We unpacked our bags and prepared for Vespers (Evening Prayer) at 5:35 PM. A simple supper was served at 6:00 PM. We met following in the conference room on the second floor of the Retreat House. Those present were Jerry Thomas, Linda Brunt, Vince Moreno, Marilyn Gonzalez, Mary Ann Franklin, Carolyn Feralin, and Elizabeth Whitton. We are here to look at our selves, our parish which is growing, and to seek God in this place. The evening concluded with Compline at 8:15 PM. I have now retired and will do a little reading before bedding down for the night. Morning will come early as Vigils begins at 4:00 AM.
March 6
The morning broke with thunder. Several of us went to Vigils at 4:00 AM. In the quiet chanting of the psalms, the reading from Exodus, and time of Lectio divina, I had time to wrestle with the “desire to go home again” to return to what is familar, to no longer risk the desert, to complain and to be frustrated by what awaits in the wildness of my own unconsciousness. I returned to my room (311) for a little more rest and continue my reading of Bishop Sim’s Servanthood which speaks of the need of the Leader to be both strong and self-emptying. Lauds and Mass came at 7:00 AM. The young Deacon proclaimed the Parable of the Prodigal Son and spoke of the loving Father who never embraced him, but left him alone and in desloation at the time of his conversion, and yet it was a God who would not let him go. It was very moving, and revealed a new dimension to this parable - and a reminder of the unseen God who woos us all the time.
The day was spent discussing the transitional issues facing the parish due to growth. It will be important that we grow spiritually if we are to grow numerically. The discussion was very good. Most of us attended the round of prayer concluding with Compline. Such a beautiful service with its closing hymn to the Mother of God. I pray that the atmosphere, the deep faith of the Abbey will move the vestry closer to God and risk themselves in him.
March 8
Today, mom would have been eighty-three. I think about her often, I still have some anger and wish the grieving would come more quickly, but I know that I have forgiven her, and realize my own inadequacy as her son. I wish I had admired her more!
Wednesday in Holy Week, March 31
They (clergy) ought therefore to receive great attention from you; but if you join with the rest in trampling upon them, then neither shall your affairs be in good condition. For while the steersman continues in good courage, the crew alos will be in saftety; but if he be tired out by their reviling him and showing ill-will against him, he cannot watch equally well, or retain his skill, and without intending it, throws them into ten thousand mischiefs. And so too the priest, if he enjoys honor from you, will be able well to order your affairs; but if ye throw them into despondency, ye weaken their hands and render them, as well as yourselves, an easy prey to the waves, although they be very courageous.
It is not right that they should be judged by those over whom they are set. For the things which are placed in the hands of the priest it is with God alone to give; and however far human wisdom may reach, it will appear inferior to that grace.
But why speak I of priests? Neither Angel nor Archangel can do anything with regard to what is given from God; but the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, dispenseth all, while the priest lends his tongue and affords his hand.
Easter Monday, April 5th
Taking a little R. and R. coming to visit Paul in Strasburg. He wont be home until Wednesday. We are staying once again at the lovely Sonner House. Sam and Mary Hutchings are the inn keepers. It is always so very relaxting.
Easter Tuesday, April 6th
.... holding on to the corpse .... Mary Magdalene was filled with deep grief over the death of her Lord. She could not let go; twice she went to the tomb in the early morning. First she discovered that the stone had been rolled away and she returned to share the news with the disciples; Second, she simply lingered near the cave, remembering, pondering in her heart those things that had given her life. Her love and desire for Christ was great. Everything took on new and powerful meaning. To remember is “holding on” until something speaks to you, a deep waiting for some new or strange news to reframe your life. But there was something more. When she looked into the tomb, she saw two angels in white - Why are you weeping? It was at this moment that her attention was subverted by the gardener,who asked: Why are you weeping? What are you looking for? It was a moment of transition. She was enslaved by her loss, she was unable to live in the present, yet she was shaken by this voice behind her that she could not see. Suddenly came the moment of recognition - “Mary, Miriam” - She knew! It was the Lord. He who desired her was calling her name, her identity, as the one known by Jesus, was restored. She no longer lived in the past, but in the promised fulfillment of God. Her life moves from a “holding on” to a “letting go” - do not hold on to me for I have not yet ascended to my Father and your Father .... The future enfolds her in the present, her relationship with Christ is redefined - Christ is risen!
Notes: from Alan Jones, Soul Making (1995)
“Stopping the world” (page 69 following):
1. Stopping the world is a way of breaking open a person’s consciousness and releasing it from its stifling provincialism.
It is the means by which we break out, or are broken out of, a way of thinking and believing that confuses our descriptions of things, people, and events for the realities themselves. This may be caused by a terrible cataclysmic experience (death and resurrection, learn that you have AIDS or Cancer; your child has run away from home, violence in your neighborhood, a friend loses a job. Any experience that shatters our experience and shows up the terrible fragility of things is capable of stopping the world. This is another way of talking about “dying to self” If you want to live life to the full you must surrender life.
2. This leads to seeing the world in a new way.
3. The willingness to look involves a confrontation with death in a postive as well as a negative way.
4. This confrontation with death leads to renewal and presents us with fresh opportunities.
Final note: This “Stopping the World” is exactly what Mary M experienced in the crucifixion. She was lost and in being a witness to the resurrection she regained herself.
Easter Thursday, April 8th
(Fragments of a dream): Needing to go to the second floor - elevator was missing, doors were locked. It was as though everything had vanished! Yet with some persistence was able to arrive at destination. There seemed to be some code work “S.E.X.” which made it possible to rediscover the lost way to the floor above. Having arrived, I need to take a shit. Sitting in the stall, I soon came to realize that the toilet paper was cut in half, and thus you could not unroll it in the usual manner. I talked with someone next to me, who was familiar, but who remains unidentified. Suddenly, there was a mass of confusion, as I flushed the toilet, all this dark subterranean, waters, filled with pollution, rose between my legs, wetting my pants and soaking me with polluted water.
Eve of the Holy Name, 31 December 98
This has been a painful year. Our President, Bill Clinton, has been impeached by congress and is now awaiting trial in the new year by the Senate. He lied, some say he made perjurious statements, regarding his sexual activity with Monica Lewinsky. We have also bombed Baghdad in order to prevent Sadam Hussein from making any more bacteria bombs. Our attack of Iraq is always sanctioned by the United Nations, but it is interesting that is is usually only ourselves and England who attack — the other nations seem not all that interested!
7 July 96
The heavy
dew fell
covering the land
and enveloping the silence
lifting the song of birds
as the heart moved heavenward.
---
Soul quiets
as it approaches
the depth of itself
in the presence of community
Prayer waits for a word
before leaping like a young calf
before the presence of love.
---
As swallow
finds her nest to lay her eggs
giving birth to flight and song
As the tendrils of the oak push toward
darkened streams in rock and stone
as an ocean waves roll
and break upon the sand
and as the impatiens lift
stem and leaf
toward the warmth of the sun rays
and as the child quickens
in the womb
and pushes toward the opening of birth.
So in the stillness
of inner praise
we gather at Altar Centre
offering praise
sharing the sacrifice
making eucharist
as our spirit
is embraced and held firm
by God.
6 July 96
Coming to the monastery
is allowing the self to be immersed
allowing the rays of the sun
to warm your being
to enter the divine reality of creation
to come to the world's centre
the naval of creation
to be feed, nurtured,
and held for a time in
embrace and surrenders.
4 July 96
Mount Saviour Monastery
gathered
shrouded in silence
they lifted their voices
as the song bird announced
the first rays of the sun.
as singled voiced
psalms dance into hearing
and as the heart beats
on the rocks of broken memories.
Tomb-like
in gray forms moved
the vowed men in community
waiting as centennials
for the coming of God
once again upon earth
VIGILS
A note:
Those who come to the monastery
those broken, wounded, hurting
those seeking, aspiring, hoping
those hungering and thirsting
the empty, the lonely ...
why do I come?
Slopes of green
blend in blue sky
giving nature its blend of word and song
as birds break the wind
with speech and flight
as monks make their rounds
of psalms and praise.
July 15, 1991 Monastery of Mount Saviour, Elmira, New York
At Vigils
From underground the unearth praise/melody arose
as Adam came forth from the dust.
In the womb of the night, near dawn
The sun rose, birds singing, the red orange sun
on the road between Saint Joe's and Saint Gert's
saw three deer, two rabbits
In the night near dawn, the passage from OT
anticipates the fullness in the new as
the sun began to rise.
17 May 79
Retreat, Holy Cross Monastery, West Park, New York
Observations on my way (traveling by bus):
A homosexual boy, 19, emptying himself of his suffering, telling over and over again of his mother's rejection, before a loving, understanding black woman.
A mother with her child
The boyfriend waiting for the bus to carry his girl away and the tear in her eye.
The church that gave away $1000.00 worth of prizes on bingo night
The rolling green hills of the adirondacks
On arriving at the monastery
was picked up in New Paltz by a young Novice (Fred) who has been in the Order for 8 months. The house is joined by other monastic communities along the Hudson River.
Ate a cold supper / the flight of geese
living in Saint Dominic's Room (don't know a thing about him), my room faces the river (east)
Compline
Read some of Nouwen's Clowning in Rome
Bed
May 18
awakened by the sound of birds
and finally by the voice of the guestmaster: "Let us bless the Lord"
MATINS
The birds are still singing as though they knew the presence of something that I yet need to discover. How I long to be renewed in spirit and body
The priorities of my life are out of step
MASS
solemn, informal
breakfast, talked with Brother Michael (good to see him again!)
my head is full of grief and anger
deliver me, O Lord!
went for a four mile walk in the rain with another retreatant learning more about the Order and unwinding.
talked with Brother Michael, tour of the monastery
DIURNUM
The offices are so restful and peaceful
Tried to call home - no answer
The birds are still singing.
I feel more relaxed
I will see Michael again and will begin the Great Silence after Compline
Supper, bookstore, reached Ginny and Andrew
Paul spending the night with a friend
wished they could have shared this experience
One day I will bring Ginny here - such peace -
I have so much to be thankful for
O God, renew a right spirit within me.
met a monk who had studied under Abbo at Sewanee,
and went to seminary with Fred Jones
Compline - Great Silence has begun!
Finished reading Nouwen (not very good, some insightful stuff about contemplation and our daily need for solitude, seeking God deeply within our hearts, and to transform our thinking into praying.
Saturday
Dedicate the retreat to the Blessed Mother
read Anthony Bloom, On Prayer
take a walk, period for reflection
begin reading E.S. Jesus
mediate: Peace "Shalom"
Walk
Parable of the Good Samaritan
Matthew 5
May 19
Very difficult to awaken this morning, went to MATINS, rained so hard that you could hardly hear the whisper of the monks. The birds have begun their unending song, and my mind searches deeply for some sign of God.
B. Spencer celebrated Mass
a few people have gathered for retreat
sometimes silence is deafening!
A few insights
The Hudson is a type of the Jordan
a river of miracles and renewal,
strength and solace
I am loved from all eternity,
must rise above the narrowness of human feeling
must learn to pray for my enemies
(How I wash Ginny was with me)
A gloomy day, rain last night and then this morning, it is the only way plants can grow!
DIURNUM
At Dinner
At Dinner
The reader began a reading from Pope John Paul II, "Signs of Contradiction"
Earlier, went for a walk only to be run in by the rain.
There is a retreatant here, reminding me so much of Philip Kerry, how are they Lord?
The silence has swallowed my thoughts - I know God is here!
The Great Silence has been deafening, could it be the Holy Cross has bought me to myself,
must not expect a mystical experience in a word from beyond, yet I am almost incapable of turning in repentance to you Lord.
At VESPERS - I became aware: The reason the monks pause during the recitation of the psalms is because the birds do - it is something they have learned
- it is natural to their life.
- it is natural to their life.
There is a priest here conducting a retreat for a few members of A.A. (are they from his parish?) Somehow I have a feeling that in his ministry, I see an answer to my own prayer.
COMPLINE. The Paschal Candle almost became a roman-candle,
never saw so many sparks!!!
never saw so many sparks!!!
The Jesus Prayer has been some solace to me for most of the day,
and the words of Anthony Bloom on Prayer hounded me.
and the words of Anthony Bloom on Prayer hounded me.
I sense a much stronger hold on my life - grant that I may not lose it,
must get to work on disciplining and ordering my days -
must get to work on disciplining and ordering my days -
more family time
more time for self, exercise and prayer
no procrastinations
well, one at a time, don't bite off too much
I finished "JESUS" - at last, there is so much in it - it will take years to grasp it all - but it appeals very much.
May 20
"Let us bless the Lord"
my watch stopped - didn't know what time I awoke! The sun is up - its Sunday!
MATINS
spoke to my need, trust in the Lord, his mercy endures for ever.
spoke to my need, trust in the Lord, his mercy endures for ever.
It may be hard to keep silence today.
The monks already told me I can talk and its not even, 8:00 AM
I am ready to return to Bryn Mawr
how grateful I am for the monastic life of our Church.
There is a great sense of poverty - I can't help myself,
take me, O God, forgive my presumptions.
MASS - in silence, a sense of presence that I have never known before
- waves of delight!
Coming to OHC was an entry into the antistructure - the bus, the city, the monastery, the silence, the whispering of the office.
Went for a long walk with two monks, Bonnell Spencer (wrote me a nasty letter while at C-S, it meant so much to me this morning when he offered me the peace. It is perhaps typical of academic-monastics to break wind every three feet or so!
There is such a gentleness and peace - the waves of discontent are calm now!
No comments:
Post a Comment